Where am I?
I tried to open my eyes but the light outside is too bright. My eyes couldn’t adjust. I tried opening them again, still the same.
I’ll just close my eyes just for awhile before opening them again.
This time, I tried lifting my body up. Pang! Argh. My muscles started to ache. I couldn’t move my body properly. I had no choice but to lie down. I’ll try again later.
Where am I? I guess I am lying on a bed. Who’s bed? Do I really want to know? I haven’t really slept at other people’s place yet…
I shifted my concentration back on getting my eyes open and when I do, I’ll try to sit down. I tried opening my eyes again, this time, slower. After this attempt, at last, I was able to open them although everything looked blurry. I tried reaching anything from my right. I happened to spill something. I tried rubbing my eyes hoping that my vision would clear.
How long have I been sleeping?
I can now make out the lines on the ceiling.
Ahh… The ceiling of my apartment. Thank God I am in my apartment and no one else’s. It is kind off color yellow though. Judging by the color, I think it is either the break of dawn or the sun is just setting.
I closed my eyes again. The blare of the speakers, the dance beat, the amazing light beams. People were dancing, jumping and screaming. I opened my eyes again. Everything seems to be clearer than anything before. I was at a rave last night with-
A sound coming from the window to my left distracted my line of thought. It was the sound of the LRT passing by. It happens ever so often. My apartment is beside the noisy train.
I muster all my might to try and sit down. I ignored all my body pains. I wanted to sit down. Once I did, I scanned the room: Untidy bed sheets, the spilled liquid a while ago, clothes all over the apartment and unwashed plates rotting in the sink are all there. It felt like they were waiting for me clean them up, tidy those things and put them back to their proper places. My apartment. My very own lonely apartment.
It wasn’t like this. It used to be pretty, neat but I think everything just got out of hand. I closed my eyes in pain. My heart, it was pounding so loudly. It felt like it would rip apart chest anytime. Everything in this apartment used to clean, in their proper places and warm. It was warm with your presence, warm with my smile and warm with contentment.
I took another look at this dirty apartment. I started to hold my tears back. I rubbed my eyes with my palms. My hands went through the ruffled bed sheet. I grabbed the blanket at my feet. I brought it to close to my face. I took a deep breath. It smelled so much like you. It still clung to your smell even it was weeks ago since you stayed here. This time, I could not stop these tears anymore. I was sobbing.
This apartment used to be filled with love. This bed was our witness. Every cold night, we warmed it up together. Nothing else mattered here on this bed but our minds and bodies. Look at it now, the warmth was replaced with these cold sheets and nothing to look forward to. I wiped my tears with the blanket. I threw the blanket to the ground.
How many weeks has it been like this? Each and every time I remembered you. This is the reason why this apartment is at its state- cold, motionless, alone.
Everything makes me want to sleep them all away. I felt drowsy. I couldn’t fight this feeling, this hopelessness. It has to end… somehow. I rested my head back to the piled pillows behind me. My eye lids were dropping…
After a few minutes, I felt something. Something was shaking my bed. Was I delusional? Or is that demons were shaking my bed? I jolted my head up. I searched the bed if there was something that was shaking my bed. At the edge of the bed just to my right, there was something that was turning and shaking my bed. It was my cell phone. The light was flickering from it, turning and turning.
I guess someone is calling. Who could it be? Could it be the call I have waiting for all these weeks? May be… just may be it is. A spark of hope lit up inside of me.
I hurried to answer the call. Just before I did, the spark of hope got bigger and bigger as my distance became closer and closer. And just before I got a hold my phone, the excitement was too much for me to bear. And that excitement was extinguished altogether with the hope a while ago. I read the name, the hope and excited just blew away.
“hello? Hey cuz!”
I couldn’t find my voice.
“What’s up? Last night was a blast!”
I tried my hardest to answer but no voice came out.
“Are you ready for another great night tonight?”
This time I answered in a husky voice.
“Yeah-
And I was cut off.
“Whoa! Are you alright? You sound awful cuz’.”
“Yeah, I’m fine”
“Do you still want to go? ‘Coz you know we can reschedule anytime. Your call.”
I giggled at the thought that my cousins cared so much for me. They really looked after me even though I was a piece of work. Every weekend night was our party night for the past few weeks. As long as we were together, we were great. Night after night after night. Week after week after week.
“Well… Let’s call it a night”
Can I take it?
“Are you sure?”
I took a deep breath then answered
“Yes. I am sure”
“You know you can count on us anytime.”
“I know. I’ll see you soon. Oh and yeah-
“Yeah?”
“I love you, the both of you.”
“We know. And you’ll also do this for us when the time comes. We love you cuz. Bye.”
“Bye”
And with that, it felt like I was greatly relived. The pain and anger I have been dragging around all week came off. I finally started to move my body with ease. I think I can now stand properly and clean this mess I made in my apartment.
With all my might, I stood up. It was wobbly at first but I was able to adjust quite quickly. I started picking things up, placing things back in their places the way they were.
This time, this apartment wasn’t the one who grew cold; it was me shrugging everything off my shoulders.
