Saturday, March 22, 2014

Love or None at All

A friend once asked me, "If you get to choose between 2 people, (scenario 1) would you choose someone you love but that someone does not love you back? Or (scenario 2) would you choose someone who loves you but you do not love in return?" Though question huh.

My first answer, without thinking, would have been to scenario 1. Who would not like to be a martyr in this day and age? Who would pass-up for the chance to make a person fall head-over-heels in love with you? If you asked me 10 years ago, in a heartbeat surely picking this person would have been my answer. But, you do not get to pass elementary, high school and college without getting crashed and burned a few times in love.

Yes, you guessed it. Once upon a time, I used to love someone like that. Sad to say, in the end, Person A liked someone else better than me. So I had to say good bye. Not so sad now that I summarized it in three sentences. I skipped the drama, the crying, the pinning down for this guy and ultimately begging not to leave me. The humiliation, the hurt and the pain I felt at that time does not feel worth waiting for this guy to love me in return. This relationship blossomed to bitterness, resentment and the most important one is wisdom. Wisdom not to choose someone who does not love you in return.

Which leaves us to our second scenario. Surely by now you would have guessed that I gave the 2nd scenario as my choice, but I could not. How could I? It was still similar to scenario 1, it is just that this time Person A in my story a while ago would be replaced by me.

May be there was this chance that I could love this person in return. That slim chance. That ray of sun shine for the both of us. Alas, it did not happen. Yes people. Crash and burn number two. I could not return the love even if I wanted too. I could not lie to his face and tell him the three words he wanted to hear. I liked him, but not enough to define as love. My heart was in agony. A few months passed, our relationship became a whisper in the background. An insignificant fly on the wall. Just there. Until one of us decides to kill it. 

I killed it. 

Swatted that flicker of fondness to smithereens - smashed and crushed until it became too broken to repair. Remember person A? Yes, I killed it by running away with Person A (who did not actually loved me).

And there you have a perfect triangle with me in the middle and 2 guys from my past. Such a perfect scenario for the question my friend was asking. Who was better than the other? Let me be the one to ask you this time, which would you choose? Then, hold that thought.

I smiled to myself. I knew the answer to this tricky question.

Let me point you back to my title to complete the full circle - Love or none at all. 

Dear reader, do not think that because you were only presented with 2 choices that the third choice is not an option. You always have a third option.

Why not pick someone? This would be my third and last story to share my dear readers. I like you to meet this guy who, I like to assume, loves me the best in the world. I was damn lucky that he loved me during my hurt, understood I needed space and waited for me until I was ready to give love another shot. I did not write this to boast how perfect our relationship is. Trust me, it is not. But sharing more than 5 years (and counting) together has been a wonderful experience even with our ups and downs. 

I said to my friend, "I pick no one. I do not want someone I do not love nor do I want someone that does not return my love. I will not settle for less than I deserve." 

Yes, you deserve to love and be loved in return. No ifs, no buts.