A friend once asked me, "If
you get to choose between 2 people, (scenario 1) would you choose someone you
love but that someone does not love you back? Or (scenario 2) would you choose
someone who loves you but you do not love in return?" Though question huh.
My first answer, without
thinking, would have been to scenario 1. Who would not like to be a martyr in
this day and age? Who would pass-up for the chance to make a person fall
head-over-heels in love with you? If you asked me 10 years ago, in a heartbeat
surely picking this person would have been my answer. But, you do not get to
pass elementary, high school and college without getting crashed and burned a
few times in love.
Yes, you guessed it. Once upon
a time, I used to love someone like that. Sad to say, in the end, Person A
liked someone else better than me. So I had to say good bye. Not so sad now
that I summarized it in three sentences. I skipped the drama, the crying, the
pinning down for this guy and ultimately begging not to leave me. The
humiliation, the hurt and the pain I felt at that time does not feel worth
waiting for this guy to love me in return. This relationship blossomed to
bitterness, resentment and the most important one is wisdom. Wisdom not to
choose someone who does not love you in return.
Which leaves us to our second
scenario. Surely by now you would have guessed that I gave the 2nd scenario as
my choice, but I could not. How could I? It was still similar to scenario 1, it
is just that this time Person A in my story a while ago would be replaced by
me.
May be there was this chance
that I could love this person in return. That slim chance. That ray of sun
shine for the both of us. Alas, it did not happen. Yes people. Crash and burn
number two. I could not return the love even if I wanted too. I could not lie
to his face and tell him the three words he wanted to hear. I liked him, but
not enough to define as love. My heart was in agony. A few months passed, our
relationship became a whisper in the background. An insignificant fly on the
wall. Just there. Until one of us decides to kill it.
I killed it.
Swatted that
flicker of fondness to smithereens - smashed and crushed until it became too
broken to repair. Remember person A? Yes, I killed it by running away with
Person A (who did not actually loved me).
And there you have a perfect
triangle with me in the middle and 2 guys from my past. Such a perfect scenario
for the question my friend was asking. Who was better than the other? Let me be
the one to ask you this time, which would you choose? Then, hold that thought.
I smiled to myself. I knew the
answer to this tricky question.
Let me point you back to my
title to complete the full circle - Love or none at all.
Dear reader, do not think that
because you were only presented with 2 choices that the third choice is not an
option. You always have a third option.
Why not pick someone? This
would be my third and last story to share my dear readers. I like you to meet
this guy who, I like to assume, loves me the best in the world. I was damn
lucky that he loved me during my hurt, understood I needed space and waited for
me until I was ready to give love another shot. I did not write this to boast
how perfect our relationship is. Trust me, it is not. But sharing more than 5
years (and counting) together has been a wonderful experience even with our ups
and downs.
I said to my friend, "I
pick no one. I do not want someone I do not love nor do I want someone that
does not return my love. I will not settle for less than I deserve."
Yes, you deserve to love and be
loved in return. No ifs, no buts.
